S5: Emotional Availability E3: I’ll Change, NOT

In Season 5 Episode 3, Vince shares a personal narrative of dating someone who was not emotionally available, illustrating the pitfalls of entering a relationship with unresolved feelings for a past partner. The story unfolds with an initial magnetic attraction at a party, leading to a rollercoaster relationship marked by a series of breakups and reconciliations. This episode underscores the emotional turmoil and heartache involved when one partner harbors lingering attachments, emphasizing the crucial lesson on the importance of ensuring emotional availability and healing before fully committing to a new relationship. Through this reflective journey, the episode serves as a cautionary tale about the complexities of love, timing, and the necessity for both partners to be fully present and unencumbered by past relationships.

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Transcript

Welcome to Relationship Workout for Men, a podcast dedicated to helping men be intentional in choosing a better partner, and being a better partner for the person they choose.

Season 5, Episode 3: I’ll Change, NOT

This is a personal story about a time when my dating intentions was clearly in Bucket 3: The Partner, and I choose to date someone who was not emotionally available.

She and I met at a house party filled mostly with ballet dancers. As a Silicon Valley tech guy, I definitely felt like a bit of a misfit.

After some mingling, I spotted her. Dressed in tight, black leather pants, and an even tighter pink top that gave a peek at her ballet dancer abs. She was like a sexy siren roaring for attention. Yet, as in perfect balance, her innocent school-girl smile gave an alluring good-girl / bad-girl tease. I had to ask her to dance. 

The initial chemistry was undeniable. I was all smiles as we danced, and later as she gave me her card.

In anticipation, I called her the next day, but she never returned my message. Understandable, though, as unbeknownst to me, she had recently started seeing one of the other ballet dancers.

Curiously though, she had a few pictures that were taken of us dancing at the party “smuggled” to me through the mutual friend who had invited me to the party. However, I didn’t hear from her directly.

More than two years passed...

Then one evening, surprisingly, she came solo to a house party I was throwing at my place. She ended up being the last person to leave; I couldn’t help but ask her out.

A few days later, during lunch, she told me about some of the problems she and her boyfriend had been having for some time. By then, they had lived together for over two years.

A month later she and her boyfriend broke up. This wasn’t really surprising to me given all the problems they seemed to have been having.

We started going out almost immediately, keeping things completely casual. For one, I wasn’t interested in seriously dating someone just out of a relationship. Plus, I was a tech guy, and she was a ballet dancer: What could we have in common?

However, after two months, we surprised ourselves with how much fun we were having together. So, we decided to actually start dating, seeing each other almost every day.

Meanwhile, she still had contact with her now ex, given they often worked together and were actually in the same class at university.

During the next four months, I fell head over heels for her. We had zero conflict, zero drama, and lots of great times together. 

Then, abruptly, she broke up with me, deciding to go back to her ex. He said he was sorry for the past problems, that he’d change, and that he’d go see a counselor with her. 

In retrospect, of course, she still loved him. After all, they had been together for over two years, and only a few months had passed before she and I started dating.

To say I was devastated would put it lightly. Heart in knots. It all really hurt. I couldn’t sleep. I felt and looked like crap.

Two months later, though, she came back to me. She said the same old problems were still there and that she missed me. We agreed to get back together, and that she’d have no more contact with him. I was thrilled!

Then four months later, she again broke up with me to return to him. My heart broke a second time. 

My lesson learned: You don’t want to be second in line falling in love with a lady still in love with the guy who got there first.

  Notes: 

• The Relationship Workout for Men Podcast is adapted from the book Relationship Workout: The Men's Manual available on Amazon.
• Be intentional in choosing and being a better partner at RelationshipWorkout.com.
• Earn a Relationship Workout badge on Core #4: Emotional Availability by completing the quizzes in Relationship Workout Master Class Core 4: Emotional Availability Lesson. Show others you care about being the best partner you can be.
• All episodes in a season were designed to be listened to in episode order, starting with episode 1.